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My husband won’t use bodywash. Only soap. He doesn’t like receiving gifts, so I thought that buying him something I know he likes would be the key.
Except I made the mistake of buying fancy soaps. They aren’t girly, but they are tropical, or minty, or (gasp!) moisturizing.
That’s not what he wants. He wants boring, blue, “squeaky clean” soap. The kind with names like Zest, or Irish Spring.
That’s okay with me, because the fancy soap I bought him from Lush smells amazing, and now it’s all mine. The best kind of gifts are the ones that keep on giving (to me).
At the beginning of our marriage I was so naive. Previously, I thought when people asked if/when I wanted to have kids that they were looking for an honest answer. Innocent and smiling I would say “I wish I had one right now.” I’ve since learned that telling the truth often leads to exclamations of shock or negativity from the listener.
“You are so young!”
“You should wait two or three years before you do that.”
“You need to take time for yourself to enjoy your marriage!”
“Having kids, period, is a mistake.” (Seriously, people have said this!)
Frankly, the more I hear responses in this vein, the angrier I become. What right do these people have to tell me what to do with my own cervix? What right do they have to judge my desire to sacrifice my body, time, and money to bring new life into the world and the timeline in which I decide to do so? Should I text you each morning I successfully swallow the pink pill so you can rest assured I will continue to enjoy my marriage for at least one day longer?
Don’t ask me the question if there is only one reply you want to hear. Rather, whisper to your husband about the time That Husand and I are losing to enjoy ourselves, while you sleep in your lonely apartment and judge me behind my back when you hear I am pregnant 6 months into the marriage. Hold onto your views that kids are to be tolerated as an expensive inconvenience several years into the marriage after the mortgage is paid off and careers are further developed. Whatever you do, don’t take one moment to consider that I might have different priorities in my life.
Many of you say this to others and think you are doing them a service. You waited, so they should too! Or maybe you didn’t wait and now your life is ruined and you want to prevent me from making the same mistake. I’m not quite sure what I am supposed to be waiting for at this point. I have the husband (and his best swimmers), the necessary funds, the mental competence, and my body has been telling me how ready it is on a monthly basis for over 10 years now.
So tell me, other than a reason to “enjoy life” for awhile, why should I wait? Some people told me I should wait to get married also. I’m going to go ahead and say that they were wrong.
I’m going to propose something new. Let’s leave the talk of should we/shouldn’t we to the couple. Let’s stop asking if people are “trying”. You tell me that instead of desiring a child I should be exploring other areas of my life, so ask me about them.What do I like to do in my spare time? Where do I work? If I could have dinner with any three people in the world, who would it be?
Unless you want to hear me say “I’d be pregnant last week if it were completely up to me,” just don’t ask.
(In case you didn’t catch it, my deepest desire is to have a baby. Not to have people stop criticizing me for wanting to do so. Though both would be ideal.)
I feel terrible for admitting it. This is not how a new wife is supposed to feel. But…
I don’t cry when That Husband leaves on business for 3-4 (sometimes 5) days during the week.
Maybe it’s because I resigned myself to this lifestyle when I decided I wanted to marry him. Or maybe (and this, I believe, is the real reason) it’s because I’m independent enough to do okay without him.
When he is gone I can be selfish. I make dinner when I want it, I play loud music when it pleases me (though it doesn’t seem to please our upstairs neighbor), I consume less waste so I don’t have to get up early to take the trash out every MWF, and I can leave the dishes in the sink for days just because I feel like it.
I try my best to be a model stay at home wife whenever he returns. The kitchen is clean, the dishwasher is running, dinner is on the table, the bed is made, the sheets are washed, the house is vaccumed, the dirty clothes hamper is empty, the clean clothes are put away, and this week there will even be pictures hung on the walls that weren’t there before. I kiss him hello and give him my best June Cleaver smile.
I realize that when we have kids this selfishness will be a thing of the past, and it’s likely that our arguments will revolve around how often he is gone and how difficult it is for me to cope with that. But that is then, and this is now.
Except I will say that I feel a little pang of regret when he calls to say he will be home Friday instead of Thurdsay. And that the bed sometimes feels really cold without him next to me (albeit at least an arms length apart). And I miss our hugs, and our kisses, and our nightly scripture study. And I miss feeling like I can take care of him when he scrounges around the kitchen for a snack. And the way he says “hon” and the clothes he leaves on the bedroom floor without fail every single morning when he is home.
So there are no tears, just a little bit of sadness.
Last night when I left the house That Husband was still away on business so I did something crazy.
I wore purple tights.
And I put my hair up all messy and crazy.
To me, these things represent what it was like when I was single. When I was single I could dress and look the way only I wanted, all the time. That Husband doesn’t “make” me dress any certain way, but I know he prefers it. I’ve written before about his distaste for red lipstick and red high heels, and now you know how he doesn’t like colored tights either.
Some might say I am repressing who I am to be with him, but I don’t think of it that way. Yes, I get dressed and try to look good for myself, but in many ways I do it for him too. I am his, and he is mine, and knowing he likes the way I look still makes me feel a little bit prickly inside.
So I keep my purple tights (and my sparkly gold ones too) tucked away in a drawer, saving them up for a time when he isn’t around. Those are the times when I expirement a little bit. I put them on because I like checking to see if that fun single lady is still alive under this often boring married exterior.
Since I wasn’t able to collect all of your mailing addresses (not that I even thought about trying) I thought I would turn our Christmas card into an e-card (That Husband’s favorite kind of gift) and post it here. Feel free to print it off and hang it on your fridge! And I really do mean it, I’m so grateful to have you all in my life.
To our dear friends and family,
Even though I am surrounded by piles of unfinished thank you cards I can’t pass up the opportunity to send out our first Christmas card as a married couple. Last year I sent out a holiday email as a single girl, but getting married warrants something delivered by the postman from our house to yours.
I think it’s safe to assume that you all know we got married in October. It’s a hard thing to miss since I’ve scatter the pictures all over the Internet in any location that will let me post them. We valued each and every smiling face and warm hug we received over that weeklong period, and the well-wishes and heartfelt gifts have filled our homes and our hearts throughout the following weeks. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful people in our life.
We are currently living in Coppell, a little place just outside of Dallas, Texas. Neither of us have made the mistake of using the term “y’all” in our daily speech yet, although I fear it may come sooner than expected. We were recently called as ward missionaries for the Coppell 1st ward, and we are excited about the opportunity to aid the missionaries in spreading the gospel and help welcome new members into our ward family.
That Husband has been working as a management consultant for the last year and a half, and his contract extends until July of 2009. After that, we have no idea where we will be living or what he will be doing. My life is a little bit simpler. I haven’t graduated yet, so I am staying home pretending to be a student. I can definitely see how so many women end up without their degree after graduating, but we are both determined to make it happen, and once That Husband gets set on an idea he doesn’t let go of it. We hope you will be receiving graduation announcements from us within the next 2 years!
Much to my mother’s dismay (but to the delight of That Husband’s) we will be spending Christmas in Poland this year. That means two days straight of non-stop flying, but it also means days of exploring one of the oldest cities in Europe, eating lots of delicious food, and the opportunity for the American girl to introduce her new Polish family to some of the crazy Christmas customs that we have.
Despite the ridicule I will endure from my husband because I am mentioning it here, if you are interested in following along with my our lives, you can visit my blog at www.thatwife.wordpress.com. That Husband likes to tease me about it, but I know he is as grateful as I am that the Lord has blessed us with a way to communicate what’s going on in our lives with our friends and family.
The holiday season inevitably leads us to think upon the blessings we have realized throughout the year. We are most grateful for our families, and the new family we have found in each other. We have a nice apartment, transportation whenever we need it, delicious food for the wife to cook and the husband to eat, and a big, warm bed to sleep in every night. We are blessed with everything we need, and so much more. We hope the holiday season finds you thinking and feeling the same.
That Husband and Wife
As he has done many nights previously, That Husband reached over while we were falling asleep and grabbed hold of my hand. “This is wonderful,” I thought, “I can’t believe I lived without this for so many years.”
We sweetly lay together for about three minutes before it happened.
I just had to move my hand. It was all I could think about. If I could just move my hand I would fall alseep. Hand must move, moving must movity move. Move. Move. Move. But I didn’t want to move my hand, I wanted to fall asleep “in the arms of my beloved,” just one time. I tried moving my mouth, my hips, my feet, my eyes, my other hand, everything but the one engaged in a loving embrace with my spouse. I held on until I felt like I might burst and then gently pulled my hand away.
Ahhhhhh… sweet relief. Somehow, it’s better together when we’re apart.
What sleeping quirks do you deal with each night?
Absolutely inspiring adult session of Stake Conference tonight.
At his own temple sealing 35 years ago Elder James B. Martino was given the best marriage advice I have ever heard.
If it is to be, it is up to me.
Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely adore That Husband? I love my husband, and I love our marriage. I know it’s wonderful because we both work to make it so.
What’s the best marriage advice you’ve ever been given?
Last night for Family Home Evening (I’ll write a Sunday post about FHE soon!) That Husband and I wrote thank you cards. Does me saying the sentence like that have you picturing piles and piles of completed cards? Well, that would be an incorrect mental picture. We did three total. One for him, and two for me. Now I understand why Emily Post says I can take three months to do it.
To celebrate the succesful completion of said thank you notes we decided to use up some cold stone creamery gift cards I received last year. Thoughts of cake batter ice cream were dancing through my head and we were both giddy like little children.
The giddiness quickly faded upon discovering that google maps had LIED to us. There was no such Cold Stone conveniently located 3 blocks away from us. So we went with our only option.
Though creamy and cold, it was nothing like cake batter. Also, I hate McDonalds (Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation did it) and don’t really like supporting a place that uses a clown and big slippery slide to seduce children into childhood obesity.
Sounds like we will be picking one of these up in the near future!
This weekend, That Husband turned to me and said “This is the first time in my life that, if given the opportunity, I would not go back in time because doing so might prevent us from being together.”
Insert me sighing and saying “Awwwwww” here.
Admittedly, my lifestyle is pretty easy at the moment. But even if it weren’t so delightful, I would still completely agree.
I should add that when I asked him why he wanted to go back in time on other occasions he replied “So I could use my knowledge of the future to make money off of the stock market.” In so many ways, that perfectly describes my husband.
I hope that you can think of a time in your life when you have felt this way.
Yesterday was our one month anniversary.
This is what I did:
- Made breakfast for us.
- Cleaned the kitchen.
- Obsessed over the newest wedding photos Kelli put up.
- Went to the Dr. for an antibiotic for the UTI. Had my hip x-rayed as well, since my leg has begun to go numb whenever I sit down. Maybe I should write a post on it…
- Went to Ross and TJMaxx and found some home decor stuff.
- Went grocery shopping.
- Came home and made whole wheat mac and cheese (definitely getting added to the Lovely list)
This is what he did:
- Ate breakfast
- Scheduled my Dr.’s appointment for me (I am a procrastinator when it comes to personal health)
- Worked from home
- Helped me unload groceries
- Shared his mac and cheese with me
So basically we celebrated our first month of marriage by eating eggs together, carrying around plastic sacks, eating a meal intended for a three-year old child, and sleeping. I’m not complaining… exactly. But it does seem like most couples make a big deal out of the wedding anniversaries for the first year. The problem was, I wanted him to magically know this on his own, and that never works out.
We exchanged gifts on the wedding day, and I wound up with a beautiful pearl necklace, but only because I pounded it into his skull that I was giving him something I had put a lot of thought and time into.
I’m a get-to-it kind of girl, why all of the sudden this passiveness relatied to getting what I want? I hope it doesn’t take me many more anniversaries/special days to realize that I need to speak up and say what I want.