This week I experienced one of those times where you want something you can’t have so bad that you let a few tears escape into your pillow at night. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since my application for the Film program at BYU was rejected my Freshman year.
I know that someday I’ll think the whole thing is rather silly, but this is now and I can’t force myself to feel that way. I was talking about going to Vegas to meet up with my mom and sister for this convention for photographers convention called WPPI. When Miss Dumpling from Weddingbee informed me that a group of photographers from around the country are getting together during that time to shoot an amazing Trash The Dress session, I immediately emailed the shoot coordinator to find out if I could join in as a bride model. The scenes and photographers will be fantastic, and the brides are going to have their hair and makeup professionally done and everything! With my Roman bridals, engagements in Mexico, 2000+ wedding photos, and after wedding shoot with my mom, it should be no surprise to anyone that I love to have my picture taken. This shoot would would be a once in a lifetime thing for me.
Except it’s on Sunday. And I don’t do things on Sunday. I don’t listen to anything except spiritual music, I don’t watch TV, I don’t spend any money. I go to church, I visit with family and friends, I read, I cook. I don’t go out into the desert and have my hair and makeup done and skip around in my wedding dress. I wish I did, but I don’t. Sunday is the Lord’s day. I have six other days for myself, I figure I can give him just one.
I think I laid in bed for about 2 hours the night I found out it was on Sunday, attempting to figure out a way to justify how I could make myself feel okay about this. But then I realized something. I wouldn’t be able to go to church that morning. I would be the only girl out in the desert with a temple-modest dress on. What if the topic of religion came up? What if someone knew and mentioned if? I would feel hypocritical for saying one thing, and doing another.
I just really want to do it, you know?
Have you ever had to make a decision like this? What stands in the way of the “fun” things you want to do?
I’m sure many of you are going to leave encouraging comments that say you think I should do it and you think it’s no big deal. I’m not going to change my mind, I just needed the chance to vent and get my feelings out so I could let my sadness/frustration go. I also hope this post doesn’t come off as “self-righteous”. There are many who would do the shoot, LDS or not, and I think each of us should choose to do what we feel is right for us.
10 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm
ka1en
props, jenna.
you just picked spirituality & commitment & honor over vanity & materialism, which says a LOT about your character.
my respect level for you just went up a lot (not that it was low). but honestly. what an awesome decision.
very mature, responsible decision. i bet that husband is really proud. <3
January 24, 2009 at 12:14 pm
kaitlyn
I require myself to be in early on Saturday nights– I typically get home about 10:30.
I also kill my work availability because I refuse to work on Sundays. Closing off a weekend day makes finding part-time work much harder.
I admire your choice Jenna– I know how hard it is to turn that down. In my opinion, you made the right one
January 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Julie
I think you are making the right decision by not doing the shoot. Yes, you would get amazing pictures out of it — but every time you look at them, you would feel guilty. It’s not worth it. You are standing up for what you believe in, and that is far more valuable in the long run than more pictures of you in your beloved dress.
So often, I find myself in the position where I am completely and totally torn — though for me, it is usually because of my hours in the lab. I am in the lab seven days/week, 50-51 weeks/year, and I have to sacrifice so many things I want to do so badly (seeing my husband, birthday dinners with friends, trips with friends, visiting my family when they are sick, etc), because I give 7 days a week to the lab, and 0 days a week to myself. But, the occasional time when I DO take off to do something for me, I often feel guilty about it, and concerned that my PI is going to be upset, and it’s just not worth it in the end.
When you do something you truly want to do but cannot enjoy it because there is nagging guilt in the back of your head — you have made the wrong choice. And you are not making the wrong choice here.
January 24, 2009 at 12:56 pm
balebusta
I want to say, I know how hard that must be! Shabbat observers are supposed to refrain from work of any kind, watching TV, handle money (e.g. go shopping), drive a car, and a million other things. It’s supposed to be a day of rest and reflection. While McDreamy and I have yet to become rigid shabbat observers, we still try to keep things low key. Friday nights after I light shabbat candles, I don’t talk on the telephone, answer emails, do work of any kind. Instead of encouraging you to go thru with it, I think you should stick with your faith. It is really hard sometimes, but the sacrifice is important too…it means something more than having the easy gratification of what you want in the moment. That being said, wow, it royally sucks! I wish you could go.
January 24, 2009 at 2:14 pm
msloaf
That does suck that you’re missing out on an opportunity like that, and I definitely understand the conflict, but I think Julie is right, that every time you looked at those photos, you’d feel guilty. I admire you for sticking with your convictions and honoring God in the way that is important to you. It’s very tough to do that. So good for you for doing what you feel is the right thing! It’s all any of us can do, at the end of the day; what we feel/know/believe is right.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be sad about this.
January 24, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Janssen
Good for you. Seriously, I think you’re doing the right thing.
And at least you’ll have a good example to share with your kids when you have to tell them they can’t go to a birthday party on Sunday or whatever.
January 24, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Kate
Aw, Jenna, that is sad! I’m sorry you won’t be able go to. Maybe you can find another TTD shoot to do – maybe you could even set up a big one of your own. And it’s probably too late for this, but how fun would it have been to have everyone at your Bride Wars meet-up come in bridal attire? Or, what if you did an all LDS trash the dress session? The possibilities are endless!
So feel sad tonight, and enjoy tomorrow as you always do (because I know it can be super refreshing to step outside the over-stimulating world we live in). But, as someone who also likes to have her picture taken I know, and I’m sure you know too, that pictures come out best when you can just enjoy what you’re doing. If you were sitting there feeling even slightly guilty, it wouldn’t be worth it. I hope that knowing you made the right decision will start to give you some comfort soon : )
January 24, 2009 at 5:51 pm
phruphru
I know it sucks, but seriously, can photos in the desert be half as cool as taking bridals in front of the Trevi Fountain or the Colisseum? I mean, THE Trevi Fountain!! Girl, those photos were incredible! Besides, what would you do with more photos of you in a wedding dress, know what I mean?
January 24, 2009 at 7:17 pm
msloaf
Oh an unrelated note (well, related to photography), do you know the website photojojo.com? You seem to know a lot more about photography than I do, but I love the newsletter and website, so I thought I’d recommend it.
January 26, 2009 at 12:10 am
Ruby Slippers
Oh, that does totally suck. But then, I don’t have anything as important to me as your faith is to you, so you would probably feel too guilty the whole time to enjoy the pictures (or the shoot itself). I’m sorry it turned out this way though. Stuff does seem to come up on a Sunday a lot, doesn’t it? Back in the days when I was a regular church-goer I used to find that it always got in the way of doing things, and that was only an hour or two in the morning! But you did the right thing. It still sucks though.