This week I experienced one of those times where you want something you can’t have so bad that you let a few tears escape into your pillow at night. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since my application for the Film program at BYU was rejected my Freshman year.
I know that someday I’ll think the whole thing is rather silly, but this is now and I can’t force myself to feel that way. I was talking about going to Vegas to meet up with my mom and sister for this convention for photographers convention called WPPI. When Miss Dumpling from Weddingbee informed me that a group of photographers from around the country are getting together during that time to shoot an amazing Trash The Dress session, I immediately emailed the shoot coordinator to find out if I could join in as a bride model. The scenes and photographers will be fantastic, and the brides are going to have their hair and makeup professionally done and everything! With my Roman bridals, engagements in Mexico, 2000+ wedding photos, and after wedding shoot with my mom, it should be no surprise to anyone that I love to have my picture taken. This shoot would would be a once in a lifetime thing for me.
Except it’s on Sunday. And I don’t do things on Sunday. I don’t listen to anything except spiritual music, I don’t watch TV, I don’t spend any money. I go to church, I visit with family and friends, I read, I cook. I don’t go out into the desert and have my hair and makeup done and skip around in my wedding dress. I wish I did, but I don’t. Sunday is the Lord’s day. I have six other days for myself, I figure I can give him just one.
I think I laid in bed for about 2 hours the night I found out it was on Sunday, attempting to figure out a way to justify how I could make myself feel okay about this. But then I realized something. I wouldn’t be able to go to church that morning. I would be the only girl out in the desert with a temple-modest dress on. What if the topic of religion came up? What if someone knew and mentioned if? I would feel hypocritical for saying one thing, and doing another.
I just really want to do it, you know?
Have you ever had to make a decision like this? What stands in the way of the “fun” things you want to do?
I’m sure many of you are going to leave encouraging comments that say you think I should do it and you think it’s no big deal. I’m not going to change my mind, I just needed the chance to vent and get my feelings out so I could let my sadness/frustration go. I also hope this post doesn’t come off as “self-righteous”. There are many who would do the shoot, LDS or not, and I think each of us should choose to do what we feel is right for us.